I Almost Stole Church Offering Money—And God Humbled Me

Listen. Before you judge me, let me just say—I WAS NOT A THIEF. At least, not on purpose. But sometimes, life throws you into situations where your village people are watching with popcorn to see if you’ll disgrace your ancestors.

This was one of those moments.

It Started with the Usher Uniform

Back in my church-boy era, I was an usher. (Yes, a whole me.) Wore the white shirt, held the big brown envelope, looked holy. But that day? That day, temptation came in full 4K resolution.

We were collecting offering, and I—unfortunately, foolishly, regrettably—was the one holding the bag. The money was crisp. Fresh. Smelling like blessings. And for some reason, my brain just decided to do exchange rate.

“₦17K could buy like… three shawarmas, one chilled malt, and still have change for Uber.”

It was a simple thought. But that was how my downfall started.

The Moment of Madness

As I held the money, my grip tightened. My brain was already misbehaving. My legs? They started calculating distance to the church gate.

“If I move fast-fast, I fit enter one keke before anybody notices.”

Bro. I don’t know when my thumb accidentally brushed a ₦1,000 note. Just small touch. But immediately, I felt heat.

Like actual fire and brimstone on my fingertips. The Holy Ghost was watching.

The Great Escape Plan (That Almost Happened)

Sweat was rolling down my back. My Uber app was already open. If my guardian angel was around, he was probably holding his head like, ‘This boy has finally lost it.’

Then it happened.

A voice behind me whispered, “God is watching you.”

😭😭😭 I nearly collapsed.

I turned around SLOWLY and saw one mama from Women’s Fellowship staring into my soul. You know those mothers that don’t even blink? Her eyes were saying, “Try it. Just try it and see.”

At that moment, I saw my entire future flash before my eyes.

Headline: “Usher Caught in Holy Heist—Sentenced to 30 Years of Washing Pastor’s Car”

I wanted to run. I wanted to repent. I wanted to cry.

Then, as if the devil was fully committed to my downfall, someone shouted:

“THIEF!!!”

BRO. I DIED. 💀💀💀

Divine Intervention (Or Just Bad Luck?)

For 0.5 seconds, I thought my life was over. But guess what? The shout wasn’t even for me. 😭

Turns out, some guy outside was chasing a pickpocket. But in that moment, I KNEW that was my final warning from above.

God Himself sent a trailer of judgment to my chest.

Immediately, I dropped the money and started speaking in tongues.

Moral of the Story?

If you ever hold church money and hear a mysterious voice say “God is watching you”, just know that you are one step away from starring in a Nollywood documentary titled ‘Church Scammer: The Chronicles.’

I never ushered again after that day. My soul was too fragile for that kind of pressure.

🔥 Be honest—have you ever been TEMPTED by money that wasn’t yours? Drop a “😂😂😂” in the comments if you’ve ever had intrusive thief thoughts (but didn’t act on them… hopefully).

🚀 Share this with someone who needs to laugh before their pastor sees it!

Hey Luv, Wait. Feel More Crackko Vibe:

If you love thrilling near-disaster stories, check out Confessions & Close Calls.