“The UK Still Owns Us? Lmao, E Go Shock You!”
Picture this: It’s 2025, and Nigeria is still under British rule. No “Giant of Africa,” no “Jollof supremacy,” no loud Independence Day parades where kids in oversized school uniforms faint under the sun. Instead, we’re waking up every day to colonial stress.
Would life be better? Worse? Or just straight-up weird? Buckle up, because we’re about to enter an alternate timeline so ridiculous, even Nollywood couldn’t cook it up.
1. Naira? Never Heard of It. We’re Still Using Pounds and Shillings.
First of all, forget your crispy new Naira notes. In this timeline, Nigerians are still calculating their bride price in British pounds. Imagine going to buy Agege bread and hearing:
Vendor: “That will be two shillings and three pence, sir.”
You: “Bro, just talk straight, abeg. How much in Naira?”
Vendor: “Naira? Who dash you that one?”
It gets worse. Instead of seeing Herbert Macaulay or Awolowo on your money, it’s Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth staring back at you on a ₦50 note. Omo, e go pain!
2. ASUU Strikes? No. UK Sends Lecturers From Oxford.
Oh yeah, the great British education system! Sounds like a dream, right? Until you realize your JAMB results are being marked in London and you must pass a Tea & Crumpets Appreciation Course before entering UNILAG.
And let’s not forget the dress code.
British Principal: “All students must wear waistcoats, bowler hats, and knee-high socks to class.”
Nigerian Students: “But sir, it’s 38 degrees outside.”
British Principal: “And? That’s why we have handkerchiefs!”
Meanwhile, any lecturer caught giving carryovers anyhow would be shipped straight to Scotland for disciplinary action. ASUU would be shaking.
3. No Jollof Supremacy? UK Declares Fish & Chips As National Food.
This is where we draw the line. If Nigeria never gained independence, jollof rice supremacy would never exist. Instead of arguing with Ghanaians, we would be force-fed British delicacies like boiled potatoes and sad-looking porridge.
British Governor: “We hereby declare fish and chips the national dish of Nigeria!”
Nigerians: “But sir, we have suya, pounded yam, egusi, banga—”
British Governor: “Silence! You will eat this fried cod and be grateful.”
If that’s not colonial oppression, I don’t know what is.
4. Lagos Traffic, But Make It British.
You think Third Mainland Bridge is bad? Imagine British officers directing Lagos traffic with Queen’s English:
“Excuse me, fine sir, but do you have a permit to enter this carriageway?”
Danfo Driver: “Oga, which kind wahala be dis?!”
British Officer: “Do you have a royal endorsement for your motor vehicle? I say, queue up properly!”
Meanwhile, LASTMA would be replaced by British Royal Traffic Wardens, and instead of shouting “Oga park well!”, they would say, “Sir, you are causing quite the kerfuffle, kindly reposition your automobile!”
E go shock you.
5. Independence Day? No. We Get British Cultural Day Instead.
Forget October 1st. Instead of shouting “Happy Independence Day!”, we would be celebrating British Cultural Day, where every Nigerian must dress like an 1800s Englishman for 24 hours.
Imagine seeing your Yoruba uncle in a powdered wig and monocle, sipping tea like a Victorian lord.
Uncle Kunle: “Splendid! This jollof—I mean, fish and chips—is positively delightful!”
Meanwhile, Nigerian music would never evolve past colonial church hymns. No Fela. No Wizkid. No Burna. Just straight-up choir music and bagpipes. Omo, the gbedu no go drop.
Final Thoughts: E No Go Work Abeg.
Would British rule have made Nigeria better? Maybe. But at what cost? No jollof supremacy, no Wizkid, no roadside suya? No thank you.
So the next time you feel like complaining about Nigeria, just remember: at least we’re not calculating our salaries in shillings or being forced to drink lukewarm British tea in 38-degree heat.
Hey Luv, Wait. Feel More Crackko Vibe:
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