I should have known heartbreak was near when NEPA took light in my chest the moment she stepped into my car.

Let me set the stage: Chuka, 26, tallish, soft beards struggling like Nigerian economy, and dangerously single. For the past three months, I had been messaging Simi, my online crush. You know the type—too fine for real life, always replying late, and every selfie looking like a music video teaser.

We had planned to meet at the mall. A gentleman like me had one mission: pull up, impress her, secure the babe. I even washed my car and sprayed air freshener because first impressions matter.

But then disaster.

Nollywood meme

As soon as I arrived, Simi opened my car door, sat inside, and said, “Hey! You’re my Uber?”

Wait, what?

Uber? Me? Chuka?! Your future husband? Your online bestie? I wanted to correct her, but before my brain could process, she had already slammed the door, checked her phone, and mumbled, “Abeg, let’s go, I’m late.”

My guy, I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the shock, maybe it was fear, or maybe my village people pressed ‘mute’ on my destiny. But instead of speaking up, I gently adjusted my mirror like an actual Uber driver… and started driving.

THE ACCIDENTAL UBER RIDE BEGAN.

PHASE ONE: DENIAL & DELUSION

I told myself, “Maybe she’s just joking. Maybe she recognizes me but wants to test if I’m humble.” So I went along with it, hoping she’d soon scream, “Haha, Chuka, I see you!”

She did not.

Instead, she started calling her friend:

Simi: “Babe, this Uber driver is mad fine! I wish my man looked like this.”

Me: Her what?!

Simi: “Abeg, why do fine boys never have money? Imagine me dating an Uber driver. My enemies will laugh.”

Me: Your what?!

My chest was burning like Lagos sun in traffic.

PHASE TWO: ESCAPE PLAN GONE WRONG

I tried small cough to signal that I was not an Uber driver. She ignored me. I even tapped the steering wheel, trying to form confidence, but my hands were shaking like PHCN light bulb.

I thought, “If I confess now, I can still walk away with dignity.”

But just as I was about to speak, she said the unthinkable:

“Omo, this Uber guy is so polite. Let me tip him small.”

She brought out N2,000 and handed it to me.

And my brothers and sisters in Christ, I collected it.

I. COLLECTED. IT.

PHASE THREE: DESCENT INTO HUMILIATION

At this point, I had fully settled into my new identity as a random man giving rides for cash.

She continued chatting with her friend, dragging men, analyzing relationships, and calling her real boyfriend “babe” in my presence.

“This guy I’m dating is so unserious, babe. He doesn’t even drive. Imagine if he was like this Uber guy, at least I wouldn’t be trekking.”

Simi. Was. Comparing. Me. To. Me.

PHASE FOUR: THE FINAL NAIL IN MY COFFIN

We reached her destination. I tried to smile like a normal human being, but my soul had left my body. Then she said, “Thank you, Uber man! God bless you.”

And then, she took a picture of me.

I thought, “Maybe she finally recognizes me! Maybe she’s about to say, ‘Chuka, is that you?!’”

Instead, my phone vibrated. A Twitter notification.

She had posted my picture with the caption:

“Lagos Uber drivers are getting finer these days! Should I shoot my shot? 😍😂”

The tweet had 200 likes in 10 minutes.

I sped home in silence.

AFTERMATH: THE L WEY PASS L

I wish I could tell you I handled it well. That I messaged her, told her the truth, and we laughed it off. But I did not.

Instead, I sat in my car, ate my N2K like sacrificial offering, and considered my life choices.

By nightfall, the tweet had gone viral. Someone even quote-tweeted it:

“Lowkey, I’d date this Uber guy. 😍🚗”

Ladies and gentlemen, I had accidentally entered the market as a public service boyfriend.

But the worst part?

Simi still doesn’t know it was me.

LESSONS LEARNED:

  1. If your online crush calls you an Uber driver, correct her immediately.
  2. Do not collect the money. Once you collect the money, you have accepted your fate.
  3. Never underestimate the power of Twitter disgrace.
  4. My enemies did not rest.
  5. I am now considering moving to Osogbo.

TL;DR: Met my online crush. She thought I was her Uber driver. Instead of correcting her, I gave her a ride, collected my L (and N2K). She posted my picture online. I have seen things.

Hey Luv, Wait. Feel More Crackko Vibe:

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