“If I No Chop Am, Who Go Chop Am?” – The Business of Eating Dangerously

Imagine waking up every morning, brushing your teeth (optional), and heading to work to eat expired food for a living. No, this isn’t a dare—this is an actual job. Meet Lucas Bertram, a man who gets paid to eat questionable food, all in the name of ‘science.’

Lucas works as a human expiration date tester (yes, that’s a thing), and companies literally pay him to eat food that should have been thrown away weeks ago. His stomach is basically a war zone where bacteria go to fight for their lives.

But wait—before you laugh, tell the truth: How many times have you sniffed old bread, shrugged, and still made a sandwich? How many times have you drunk milk past its expiry date because “it smelled fine”? If we’re being honest, Naija people have been doing this job for free!

Nigerians Already Have Iron Stomachs

Lucas might be a professional, but we’ve been training for this since birth. You think he’s strong? Abeg, have you met the average Nigerian uncle?

  • Bukka food warriors: A full meal of rice, beans, ponmo, and stew from an unwashed cooler? No problem.
  • The roadside suya challenge: No one asks where the meat came from, yet we devour it like last supper.
  • Gala + Lacasera diet: No expiry date? No worries! If it’s sealed, it’s blessed.
  • ‘It’s just small mold’ logic: Some Naija parents will cut off the bad part of bread and give you the ‘good side.’ (If you ever ate ‘half-expired’ bread, congratulations, you’ve been in training.)

So technically, Lucas is just doing what Naija people have done for centuries—only difference? He’s cashing out.

How the Expired Food Job Works

Lucas is part of an elite squad known as “Shelf-Life Analysts”, which sounds fancy but basically means: “Oga, chop this thing first, make we see wetin go happen.” Here’s how it goes down:

Phase 1: ‘Mildly Suspicious’

  • Canned goods 2 months past expiry—slight risk, but manageable.
  • Packaged snacks that ‘look fine’—Lucas chews carefully.
  • If he survives this, he moves to…

Phase 2: ‘E Be Like Say E Go Spoil’

  • Dairy products 1 month expired. Stomach starts reasoning life choices.
  • Meat that has ‘small smell’—Nigerians call this ‘protein with character.’
  • If Lucas doesn’t grow an extra toe, he advances to…

Phase 3: ‘This One Na Suicide’

  • Expired seafood—this is where even Lagos gutters will reject you.
  • Yogurt so old it now speaks a different language.
  • Bread so moldy it has started evolving into its own species.

By the end of this, Lucas is either still standing or on an exclusive trip to meet his ancestors.

Would This Job Work in Nigeria? Let’s Be Honest

Why This Would Be a Hit in Naija:

✅ Nigerians Hate Wasting Food: If you’ve ever been threatened with ‘No food must waste!’ you understand.

✅ We Already Eat Expired Stuff for Free: One-man testers exist in every Nigerian home (usually the younger sibling).

✅ Hunger Will Make Anything Possible: If money is involved, somebody will volunteer.

✅ Village People Can’t Kill You Twice: If you survived boarding school food, you have the stomach of a god.

Why This Might Flop in Naija:

❌ Nigerians Fear ‘Village People’: Eating expired food might be seen as inviting spiritual attack.

❌ Sharp Guys Will Monetize It: Next thing you know, someone in Yaba is selling ‘Expired Food Tasting Masterclass.’

❌ Health Officials Will Cry: NAFDAC officials will just faint. They can’t fight roadside drugs and this nonsense at the same time.

How to Start a ‘Expired Food Tasting’ Hustle in Nigeria (Because Why Not?)

If Lucas can get paid to risk his life, why not us? Here’s the game plan:

1️⃣ Find an ‘Experimental Stomach’ Guy: This person should have survived Lagos street food multiple times.

2️⃣ Target Big Brands: Sell them the idea of ‘real Nigerian testing’ (because who needs lab results when you have uncle Tunde?).

3️⃣ Use ‘Limited Edition’ Hype: Nigerians love anything that sounds rare—call it ‘vintage’ Indomie. 4️⃣ Go Viral: Get one influencer to try ‘expired’ spaghetti for a TikTok challenge, and boom—instant clout.

Final Thoughts: A Risky but Profitable Hustle

Lucas is proof that even the most questionable skills can make you money. If Naija people knew this was a paying job, best believe we’d see ‘Expired Food Tester Needed – Salary 500K’ job listings tomorrow.

The real question is: Would you do it for 500k? 👀 Be honest!

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Unreal Jobs

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