What Happens If You Only Speak in Shakespearean English for a Week?

Prologue: To Suffer or Not to Suffer?

I have done many foolish things in my life, but deciding to speak ONLY in Shakespearean English for a week? That was top-tier buffoonery.

Why did I do it? Curiosity? Clout? Sheer boredom? A mix of all three? Probably. But now, after being ignored, insulted, and nearly arrested, I can confidently say: do not try this at home.

Day 1: The Confusion Begins

The first victim of my grand experiment was my mother.

“Good morrow, dearest mother! How dost thou fare on this fine morning?”

She blinked. “What?”

“Verily, I asketh how thy night’s slumber hath fared thee.”

“Are you normal?”

When a Nigerian mother asks if you’re normal, the answer must always be a firm “no.” But, committed to the experiment, I simply bowed. “Nay, mother! I am merely possessed by the spirit of the great Bard.”

That’s how I ended up washing plates I didn’t use. Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written this tragedy.

Day 2: The Workplace Struggle

I work remotely, but that didn’t stop me from infecting my team’s morning Zoom meeting with 16th-century energy.

“Gentle lords and ladies,” I began, “pray, lend me thine ears! For in yonder files doth lie the secrets to our success.”

Dead silence. Then my manager unmuted: “Please log off.”

This experiment was starting to feel like a mistake. But did I stop? No.

Day 3: Society Rejects Me

I took my Shakespearean talents to the streets. Lagos was not ready.

Inside a danfo (public bus): “To whom doth this fine carriage belong? Might I render thee some shillings for passage?”

Conductor: “See this one. Na so madness dey start.”

Even the area boys were confused. One guy muttered, “This one don watch too much Game of Thrones.” Another one just nodded and said, “Abeg, recite something make we see.”

When I dropped a dramatic Macbeth monologue, they burst into applause. For a brief moment, I was a star. Then they asked me for money. Tragedy.

Day 5: The Turning Point (and the Police Incident)

At this point, I was dreaming in Shakespearean English. I tried to order suya and accidentally delivered a monologue:

“Kind sir, I beseech thee, spare me a portion of thy finest spiced meat, that I may feast upon its smoky delight.”

The suya man didn’t even blink. He just turned to his apprentice. “Give am the one wey don burn.”

Then came the real crisis: the police checkpoint.

Officer: “Oga, park well.”

Me: “Gallant lords of justice! Pray, what cause dost thou have to halt my noble journey?”

Officer: “Your papers.”

Me: “Verily, these sacred scrolls doth prove my innocence!”

Officer: “Are you okay?”

Me: “Aye, forsooth, I am well! But good sir, might I inquire—”

Officer: “Step out of the vehicle.”

That’s how I almost spent a night in police custody.

Day 7: Freedom Never Felt Sweeter

By the final day, my spirit was broken. My friends had stopped replying to my texts, my landlord had “accidentally” locked my gate, and even my dog refused to acknowledge me.

I gave one final speech in the mirror: “Never again shall I forsake the tongue of my people for the folly of the past.”

Then I collapsed into my bed and scrolled TikTok for five hours to cleanse my soul.

The Verdict: Is Shakespearean English Hard to Speak?

YES. And also, society will reject you.

Do people still speak Shakespearean English? No. Not unless they’re in a play or trying to get disowned by their family.

How much of modern English comes from Shakespeare? A lot! Over 1,700 words and phrases, but that doesn’t mean we should start talking like we’re auditioning for Hamlet.

Would I recommend this challenge? Only if you enjoy suffering. But if you do try it, let me know so I can laugh at your pain.

Hey Luv, Waitttttttt. Feel More Crackko Vibe:

Ever wondered what happens when you mix ancient traditions with modern social media? Find out in our collection of thought-provoking cultural stories in Cultural Experiments.