The Algorithm Controls My Stomach

One fateful night, I fell into the deep, chaotic rabbit hole of FoodTok. You know the drill—one minute, you’re watching a grwm of someone struggling with a bag of pure water, next thing, you’re hypnotized by a hyperactive chef turning Indomie into a five-star Michelin experience.

And then, a dangerous thought entered my head: What if I only ate food from TikTok recipes for a week? Would I become a gourmet chef? A food poisoning survivor? A cautionary tale?

There was only one way to find out.

Let us begin meme

Day 1: My Kitchen, My Rules (Or So I Thought)

I kicked things off with a TikTok-approved breakfast: whipped coffee and pancake cereal—tiny pancakes drowned in milk.

Two problems:

  1. Nobody told me whisking instant coffee for 10 minutes would feel like an upper-body workout.
  2. The pancake cereal? More like burnt biscuits floating in sorrow.

At lunch, I attempted the viral ramen grilled cheese—basically, Maggi noodles fried into a sandwich with cheese in the middle. I took one bite and knew immediately: this was a crime against Indomie.

By dinner, my stomach started plotting against me. But I was in too deep.

Day 3: The Betrayal of the Avocado Pasta

By Day 3, my digestive system was one bad bite away from pressing charges. TikTok had convinced me that blending avocado with pasta was “game-changing.” Lies.

I took one forkful and almost called my village people. It tasted like someone tried to make guacamole but forgot the enjoyment. Even my neighbor’s dog, who eats literal garbage, sniffed it and walked away.

Then, disaster struck. Midway through dinner, my stomach let out a noise that can only be described as a threat. I barely made it to the toilet in time. I had officially entered the TikTok Food Survival Games.

Crackko Meme

Day 5: The Forbidden Blue Pasta

Ever seen that electric blue pasta on TikTok? The one where people dye spaghetti with butterfly pea flower tea to make it look like an alien’s lunch? Well, I made it. And immediately regretted it.

The color was cute, yes, but the taste? Imagine licking a wet cardboard box, but the box has been infused with regret. That’s what it tasted like.

But the worst part? My lips turned blue for hours. My mother walked in, saw me looking like a Smurf, and just sighed. “Omo, I don’t even want to know.”

Day 7: The Grand Finale (Or So I Thought)

By the last day, I wanted revenge. TikTok had played me for a fool. So I did what any sensible Nigerian would do: I went full Gen Z mad scientist.

I combined jollof rice, suya, and a viral ‘cheese pull’ challenge to create a monstrosity I called Jollof Fondue Madness.

Did it slap? Absolutely. Did my stomach recover? No.

Just when I thought I was free, TikTok had one final betrayal waiting for me. I saw a “healthy dessert” hack that involved freezing blended bananas to replace ice cream. Suffering. Absolute suffering. At that moment, I knew—this app wants me gone.

The Verdict: Is TikTok Food Worth It?

Would I recommend eating only TikTok recipes for a week? Unless you want your intestines to file for divorce, NO.

Did I learn anything? Yes:

  • Not all aesthetic food is meant to be eaten.
  • If a Nigerian recipe isn’t involved, run.
  • The TikTok algorithm doesn’t care about your digestive system.

But if you’re feeling bold, try it. And when your stomach starts singing Who Send Me? at 2 AM, just remember—I warned you.

Would you survive this challenge? Drop your worst food experiment stories in the comments!

Hey Luv, Waitttttttt. Feel More Crackko Vibe:

Ever wondered what happens when you mix ancient traditions with modern social media? Find out in our collection of thought-provoking cultural stories in Cultural Experiments.

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