I should’ve known it was going to be a disaster when my mom shouted, “Good luck o, don’t go and disgrace yourself!” as I left the house. Nigerian moms always know. But did I listen? No. I smiled like one overconfident goat and walked straight into the most embarrassing night of my life.

The Date Plan That Started Well (And Ended in Premium Tears)

I was meeting Lisa. She was funny, smart, and way out of my league. My inner Yoruba demon was sweating. I did what any self-respecting adult would do: panic, overthink, and pick a coffee shop that made me seem intellectual (but not too intellectual, you get?).

genevieve nnaji nollywood meme

The place was fancy—soft jazz, overpriced coffee, and just enough weird art to confuse your ancestors.

“Operation Impress Her” — A Guide to Failure

I had a game plan:

  1. Show interest in her hobbies.
  2. Don’t say anything weird.
  3. No spillages. No embarrassments.

So far, I was doing okay. Then Lisa said those fateful words:

“Hey, do you want to connect to the Wi-Fi?”

“Sure,” I said, trying to act like a big boy. After all, the only thing more romantic than public Wi-Fi is free public Wi-Fi.

The Wi-Fi of Doom

I pulled out my phone and started scrolling for networks. Lisa leaned in to see my screen.

I pulled out my phone, and there it was—the network name list. As I was scrolling through, Lisa leaned in to look at my screen. That’s when it happened. My finger, clearly conspiring against me, tapped the WRONG network: “Lisa_LuvsBigBooties_69.”

My ancestors wept.

The Ultimate “God Abeg” Moment

Let me explain. I had no idea where this Wi-Fi network came from. Maybe someone in the area had jazzed it to ruin my life. All I knew was that Lisa saw it. And my phone connected automatically like it was spiritually led.

Her eyebrow went up. “Uh… that’s… an interesting choice of network.”

My brain screamed, “DO SOMETHING!” but my mouth betrayed me:

“Haha… um… that’s my… work network.”

“Work Network” — What Was I Saying?!

WORK?! What kind of “work” uses “BigBooties_69” Wi-Fi? Was I now a professional booty consultant?

She blinked, clearly wondering if I was a part-time booty inspector.

The Final Embarrassment

Desperately, I tried to disconnect, but the Wi-Fi was clinging on harder than my grandma at Thanksgiving.

Then, like Nollywood had written the script, I accidentally opened YouTube. And guess what autoplay decided to blast?

“BIG BOOTY ANTHEM.”

crying gif

At this point, I was ready to relocate to a village with no network. Lisa just stared at me like I was a failed social experiment.

“Sooo,” she said, “is this part of your plan to impress me, or what?”

I laughed nervously. “I’m just really into… uh… booty camp. You know, fitness.”

Lisa burst out laughing. “That’s the worst save I’ve ever heard. But points for effort.”

The Aftermath

Lisa didn’t become my girlfriend, but she did send me a Wi-Fi name suggestion that night:

“NiceTry_BootyGuy.”

Moral of the Story

  1. Never trust public Wi-Fi.
  2. Always, ALWAYS check where your finger is tapping.

Because embarrassment is real, and it doesn’t respect anyone.

Check out more hilarious fails in our “The “Oops!” Chronicles” section!

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