“Who Works This Job?!”: Insane Side Hustles That’ll Make You Shout “WTAF!”

“You think you’ve seen it all? Omo, you’ve seen nothing yet.”

Some jobs make you wonder, “Who even thought of this?!” In this insane world where people are getting paid to do the wildest things, Nigerians (and a few honorary madmen worldwide) have taken hustle culture to an entirely new dimension. From spicy jollof enforcers to traffic jam therapists, these gigs are so outrageous, they’ll have you questioning reality while saying, “Omo, where do I sign up?”

Let’s dive into some wild professions with Crackko’s signature vibe: chaotic brilliance, Naija-style creativity, and the audacity of Gen Z energy. Buckle up—it’s about to get spicy!

1. Jollof Temperature Enforcement Squad (JTES)

“Cold rice? Not on my watch!”

Dele leads the elite JTES task force, swooping in to save your party from the ultimate disgrace: lukewarm jollof. Armed with a food thermometer, an apron that reads “Pepper First, Ask Questions Later,” and a palate sharper than your tailor’s scissors, Dele ensures every grain of rice is piping hot and deliciously spicy.

On the Job:

• He once declared a Lagos wedding’s jollof “emotionally cold” and sent the caterer packing.
• Charges extra for a dramatic, “Who cooked this rubbish?!” entrance at parties.

Dele’s mantra? “If your jollof can’t make you sweat, just call it fried rice and move on.”

2. Nollywood Cry Coach

“Tears! I need real tears, not just eye water!”

In the world of Nollywood, tears aren’t just tears—they’re a national treasure. Chidera, aka Tear Technician, is a Nollywood legend. She trains actors to cry with depth and drama that can shatter hearts nationwide. She’s the secret weapon behind those iconic wailing scenes where the actors scream, “God, why me?!”.

Her method is simple but devastating:

• Play “African Queen” by 2Baba on repeat.
• Whisper things like, “What if they ask for bride price twice?”
• Drop onions strategically.

Chidera’s tears have launched careers. One actor even won an AMVCA for a scene she coached, sobbing so hard the audience cried along.

Her services don’t come cheap. At ₦500,000 per movie, you can expect Oscar-worthy sobs every time. She’s even rumored to be working on a Nollywood collab with Netflix: The Chronicles of Cryology.

3. Lagos Traffic Therapist

“Breathe in. Now scream at the Danfo driver—but politely.”

Segun is the man you call when Lagos traffic threatens your sanity. Dubbed the “Traffic Zen Master,” he shows up at your car window with tools of the trade: chilled sachets of pure water, soothing “Don’t worry, Orsborne road will be free” affirmations, and playlists that distract you from your slow descent into madness.

Segun’s Packages:

1. “Calm Down Oga” Therapy: Talk about your feelings while a hawker sells gala beside you.
2. Swear Jar Challenge: Earn cash back by holding your tongue when someone cuts in front of you.
3. “Why Did I Even Come to Lagos?” Package: Includes snacks, a back massage, and a comforting pep talk: “You’re here because you’re a star, bro.”

Customer Review: “After 10 minutes, I felt like I was in Ikoyi, even though I was still stuck in Oshodi.”

4. Instagram Cloud Fluff Artist (Naija Edition)

“The perfect sky is only one fluff away.”

In a world obsessed with aesthetics, Emma has cornered the market as an Instagram Cloud Fluff Artist. She crafts skies so dreamy, they make even Lagos traffic backgrounds look like paradise. Her Lagos-specific collection includes:

• The Surulere Sunset: Faint pinks and purples perfect for photos captioned “Soft life, hard hustle.”
• The Lekki Rainbow: Great for influencer posts like “Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it pays for this view.”
• Rain Delay Skies: For weddings battling Naija’s “weather is feeling cute, might ruin your big day” vibes.

5. Social Media Gbas Gbos Mediator

“Let us settle this matter like adults, or at least like civil trolls.”

Twitter and Instagram comment sections can get wild, but Zainab thrives in the chaos. As a professional Comment Section Mediator, she resolves online gbas gbos wars with humor, empathy, and well-timed memes.

Signature Moves:

Dropping peace-keeping memes: “How many arguments can one person carry in their lifetime?”

DM’ing participants with classic lines like, “You’re better than this. Let it go.”

Diffusing influencer drama by replying, “But is it really worth your data?”

Her secret sauce? A mix of well-timed memes, hilarious DM negotiations, and a God-given ability to quote “Shey you dey whine me ni?” in just the right context. When Wizkid FC went to war with Burna Boy stans, it was Zainab who dropped the ultimate comment: “Abeg, na only one Grammy all of us dey share.”

Zainab’s hustle is now so popular, influencers are paying her to start drama just so she can end it.

6. Generator Whisperer

“If your gen doesn’t start, maybe it’s emotional.”

When The Neps strikes (again), and your generator decides it’s on strike too, Obinna saves the day. Obinna’s motto? “Generators have feelings too.” As a Generator Whisperer, he brings stubborn gens back to life by combining engineering know-how with pure vibes. His techniques include:

• Sweet-talking the gen (“You don try. Just one more spark, abeg. Start for Daddy.”).
• Dramatic slaps to the engine (“Wake up, my friend!”).
• Actual tools (spanners, plugs, and random scraps of wire).

Obinna is so effective that clients have started calling him to fix their relationships, too.

7. Plantain Ripeness Consultant

“You’ll never buy rock-hard plantains again.”

If you’ve ever been betrayed by plantains that refused to ripen (or worse, ripened into black mush overnight), Martha is your savior. As a Plantain Ripeness Consultant, she runs workshops at local markets teaching people the art of selecting just-right plantains.

Her secret?

• A formula involving “finger pressure,” color shade analysis, and gentle whispers of “You’re ready now.”
• A hotline for plantain emergencies (“Madam, it’s refusing to fry properly? Okay, try softening it in the sun.”)

Random Fact: Martha once judged a plantain ripeness contest in Ghana, where she caused a riot by declaring Naija plantains “more expressive.”

Spot the Unreal Hustle!

The Crackko Vibe

At the end of the day, these unreal jobs prove one thing: Nigerians will always find a way to hustle, vibe, and create magic out of chaos. Got an even crazier hustle idea? Share it below—maybe we’ll turn it into the next big thing!

PS: If you’re still doubting, just remember: Every wild idea starts unreal until someone turns it into naira.