New Year, New Hustle? Meet the Professional Resolution Breaker

The Wildest Job You Didn’t Know Existed
It’s 2025, and everyone’s screaming, “New Year, New Me!” But there’s one person whose job is to make sure that “new you” doesn’t even last a week. Meet the Professional Resolution Breaker—a niche career for those who take the phrase “failure is an art” to a whole new level.

Their mission? To infiltrate your New Year resolutions and derail them faster than money disappears in January. Forget gym memberships or saving money; this pro has been hired to ensure you’re back to binge-watching Netflix and ordering shawarma by January 3rd.

What Does a Professional Resolution Breaker Do?
This isn’t some amateur friend casually tempting you with “just one more slice of pizza.” This is a calculated, full-time hustle. Here’s how they operate:

1. Gym Sabotage Specialist
   They’ll “accidentally” book all the treadmills at your gym, so you’re stuck waiting in frustration until you quit. Bonus points if they sneak doughnuts into your gym locker as a farewell gift.
2. Shopping Cart Whisperer
   Ever wondered why you can’t stick to your budget? These pros will casually slide luxury items into your online shopping cart—because “new year, new you” obviously deserves Ashluxe socks.
3. Sleep Schedule Assassin
   Right when you’re trying to sleep early and “fix your life,” they’ll recommend a show with just one season… of 20 episodes. Next thing you know, it’s 3 AM, and your alarm is a cruel joke.

Why Would Anyone Hire a Resolution Breaker?
Here’s the kicker: people actually pay for this. Why? Because some clients believe failing big makes them feel alive. Think of it as controlled chaos—like ordering spicy food when you know you’ll regret it later.

Others hire them as a form of self-sabotage insurance. “If I’m going to fail, I might as well fail spectacularly and with style.”

Meet the Pros Behind the Chaos
Take Bola, a seasoned resolution breaker from Lagos. With over five years of experience, she’s a master at dismantling even the most airtight goals.

“I once convinced a client to swap their gym smoothies for Milkshake and Burrito. By February, they were calling me a genius.”

Then there’s Kevin, who operates globally via Zoom. His specialty? Subtle digital sabotage.

“I once set up someone’s phone to send daily food delivery ads during their fasting hours. They broke their resolution in three days and tipped me extra!”

Could YOU Be a Professional Resolution Breaker?
Think you’ve got what it takes to ruin someone’s goals with finesse? Here are the skills you’ll need:

• Psychological Warfare: Know how to plant doubt in someone’s mind with surgical precision.
• Charm and Manipulation: You’ll need to convince people to break their own rules and thank you for it.
• Creativity: No one hires a boring resolution breaker. Can you make failure fun?

The pay? Industry secrets, but rumor has it top breakers earn in six figures—if we’re talking dollars.

Why This Job Makes Sense in 2025
Let’s be honest: New Year resolutions are a scam. Everyone knows it, but we still pretend this year will be different. Enter the resolution breaker: a hilarious middle finger to the endless cycle of self-improvement.

And in this economy? Hustle is hustle. If people can get paid to taste dog food or cuddle cows, why not profit off the universal truth that humans love to fail?

Airtime or Dreams, 2025’s Still Unpredictable
If nothing else, the Professional Resolution Breaker is proof that this year will be full of surprises. Maybe your goals survive their attack, or maybe you’re ordering late-night shawarma while they cash your paycheck. Either way, one thing’s for sure: 2025 is off to a ridiculous start—and we’re here for it (No bad vibes)

Believe it or not, there are professional Resolution Breakers out there. Discover more bizarre and quirky professions in our Unreal Jobs section.