Crying on Demand and Laughing to the Bank
Imagine this: Your distant cousin is getting married. You barely know her, but family politics demand you “cry like it’s Titanic.” The problem? Your tear ducts are drier than your crush’s replies.
Enter the Emotion Extractor—a certified expert in performing emotions you can’t summon. Need to cry at your boss’s mother’s funeral or laugh at your landlord’s stale joke about the economy? These professionals will deliver feelings so authentic, even your ancestors will believe them.
But how did we get here? Let’s dive into the chaotic, high-stakes world of Emotion Extractors, where every tear, chuckle, and sigh is up for hire.
How It Works (Because, Yes, This Is Real)
Hiring an Emotion Extractor is like booking a Bolt ride—simple, efficient, and occasionally chaotic.
- Pick Your Package:
From “Tears Extra Spicy” to “Subtle Smile of Approval,” there’s an emotion for every occasion. Premium plans include advanced options like “Deep Belly Laugh” or “Silent, Noble Grief.” - The Brief:
Extractors get the 411: who’s the audience, what’s the vibe, and how dramatic do you want the delivery? For Nigerian parties, always choose max drama. - Showtime:
Extractors execute their role flawlessly. Your aunties will be so moved by their sobbing, they might even forget to compare you to their perfect children.
A Day in the Life of Amaka, Lagos’s Top Extractor
Amaka isn’t just good at her job; she’s a legend.
“One morning, I’m wailing at a church funeral. By afternoon, I’m cheering like a madwoman at someone’s Canada visa party. By evening, I’m fake-crying during a bridal shower to add ‘spice.’ It’s madness—but I love it.”
Her most outrageous gig? Pretending to be an ex-girlfriend at a wedding. “The bride’s friends wanted premium drama. I gave them tears, hiccups, and a fainting spell. 10/10 performance. Even the groom was shaken.”
Who Needs an Emotion Extractor? (Apparently, Everyone)
The demand is wild. Here are the most popular requests:
- Funeral Sob Story:
Can’t muster tears for someone you’ve never met? An extractor will cry so passionately the deceased might wake up to console them. - Wedding Overload:
Extractors are pros at looking teary-eyed during vows or screaming “God when?!” with just the right amount of envy. - Corporate Icebreakers:
Tired of pretending your boss’s joke about salary cuts is funny? These guys will laugh so hard, HR might send a raise your way.
The Nigerian Touch
In Nigeria, where every event is part celebration, part competition, Emotion Extractors thrive. After all, this is the country where guests can “spray” wads of cash at your wedding and judge the quality of your party jollof in the same breath.
Want your baby’s naming ceremony to trend on Instagram? Hire an extractor to faint dramatically during the prayer session. Your video will hit one million views before the amala cools.
Why This Job is the Future
In today’s fast-paced world, who has time for emotions? Between hustle culture and TikTok distractions, we’re outsourcing everything—even feelings.
The best part? Emotion Extractors aren’t just performers; they’re mood creators. They elevate events from mundane to unforgettable, ensuring you win the emotional Olympics every time.
Is This Ethical?
Some critics argue it’s deceitful. Others say it’s just smart event management. After all, isn’t hiring an extractor better than sitting awkwardly through your uncle’s retirement speech with a blank face?
Amaka shrugs it off. “Look, emotions are a service now. You either adapt or let your events flop. I’m just here to make people’s lives easier—and more dramatic.”
Final Thoughts
Emotion Extractors are redefining what it means to “feel.” Whether you’re crying at a burial or laughing at a toast, one thing’s clear: this hustle is the emotional cheat code we didn’t know we needed.
As Nigerians like to say, “We no dey carry last.” So why let your emotions fail you when you can rent someone else’s?
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