“Two Regions, One Destiny… and Too Many Lawyers”
Imagine it’s 2024, and the British government is trying to merge the Northern and Southern regions of Nigeria—not through imperial decrees, but at an expensive corporate retreat in Abuja. There are PowerPoint slides, catered buffets, and of course, the endless drama of clashing cultures.
This isn’t just history; this is a chaotic Nollywood movie waiting to happen, with deals brokered over nkwobi and suya, and the “Big Men” trying to make everyone believe that unity is just one handshake away.
Let’s dive into how this merger would go down in today’s world—and trust me, it’s not pretty.
1. The Boardroom Battle: North Meets South
The British High Commissioner invites key stakeholders from the Northern and Southern regions to Abuja’s fanciest hotel for “merger talks.” Picture a room full of dignitaries, agbadas swishing, and gele glistening under the chandeliers.
The PowerPoint presentation kicks off:
- Slide 1: “Why This Merger Makes Sense”
- Slide 2: “Synergy: Sharing Oil Wealth and Cattle Routes”
The Northern delegation, led by Alhaji Musa, isn’t having it:
“Wait first, who will control the budget? We no go gree unless grazing rights are secured!”
Meanwhile, Madam Okonjo from the South rolls her eyes so hard, they almost fall out:
“We have the oil; what exactly are we sharing? Dust and desert?”
The British mediator tries to calm the room:
“Gentlemen, ladies, this is about unity!”
The murmurs grow louder. Someone whispers:
“Unity ko, unity ni. How much is our cut?”
2. The Food Fight: Cultural Clashes at Dinner
At the retreat’s gala dinner, things escalate. The Northern delegation requests tuwo shinkafa and kunu, while the Southerners demand pounded yam and egusi soup. The hotel staff is overwhelmed.
The final straw? Someone serves jollof rice with sliced bananas as garnish. A fight breaks out. Plates fly. Madam Okonjo tweets angrily:
“Who adds banana to jollof? This merger is doomed!”
Alhaji Musa, wiping soup off his agbada, declares:
“If we can’t agree on food, how will we agree on governance?”
3. The Negotiation Circus: Enter the Consultants
To break the deadlock, the British bring in “experts” to mediate:
- A British economist who keeps calling Nigeria a “market with potential.”
- A Nollywood actor brought in to “inspire unity” but ends up promoting his new movie.
- A motivational speaker who delivers a TED Talk titled, “The Power of One Nigeria.”
After hours of jargon-filled speeches, a frustrated delegate yells:
“Abeg, where is the money? Let’s talk compensation!”
4. The Secret Deals in the Hallway
While the main talks stall, smaller meetings are happening in dark corners. Delegates from both sides are striking deals over contracts, oil blocks, and government appointments.
One overheard conversation:
- Northern rep: “You’ll get a ministerial position if you back the merger.”
- Southern rep: “Minister for what? Tourism? Abeg, I want Finance.”
Flora Shaw, Lugard’s wife, makes an appearance with a proposal for naming the new entity:
“Let’s call it ‘Nigeria.’ It’s elegant, don’t you think?”
The room bursts into laughter. Someone shouts:
“Name or no name, Flora, will it reduce fuel prices?”
5. The Final Agreement: Chaos Signed Into Law
After days of heated arguments and a suspicious amount of nkwobi orders, an agreement is finally signed. The document is 200 pages long, with vague promises about unity and sharing resources.
Alhaji Musa shakes hands with Madam Okonjo, but their smiles are faker than Abuja’s pyramids.
At the press conference, Lord Lugard announces:
“This is a historic day! The Northern and Southern regions are now united as one Nigeria!”
Reporters ask:
- “What’s the capital?”
- “Who will be president?”
- “How will you handle electricity?”
Lugard dodges every question like a pro, leaving Nigerians to figure out the chaos themselves.
6. Aftermath: The Fallout of the Big Merger
Within weeks, cracks begin to show.
- Northerners complain about the cost of Southern imports.
- Southerners complain about federal funds being spent on cow ranches.
- Lagosians? They just complain.
The British release a statement:
“We believe Nigeria has a bright future. Please direct all complaints to your local government.”
Meanwhile, Nigerians form WhatsApp groups to vent. One message sums it up perfectly:
“Na we we o. Nobody go solve this wahala but us.”
Closing: “Still Standing, Still Vibing”
A century later, despite all the drama, Nigeria thrives—not because of the merger, but because Nigerians know how to hustle, laugh, and turn every challenge into a joke.
As one street vendor in Lagos puts it:
“Whether na British people join us or not, we no dey carry last
For more modern takes on historical events, dive into our History Reimagined stories.
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