It’s Lagos, baby. Expect drama, chaos, and a goat saving the day.

Chapter 1: Lagos Woke Up and Chose Violence

If you’ve ever been in Lagos, you know the city runs on two things: vibes and chaos. On this fateful day, chaos had me on speed dial.

I was on my way to my cousin’s wedding, rocking my freshly ironed agbada and clutching my phone like my ancestors were watching. Uber surge? Wild. So I hopped into a keke, texting my cousin “Almost there oh!” when Lagos hit me with its signature plot twist: a thief on a bike snatched my phone mid-text and disappeared into the traffic abyss.

For three seconds, I stared into the distance, channeling my inner Nollywood protagonist.

Me: “It’s over.”
Keke driver: “Over ke? Make we go after am!”

And just like that, I was in a live-action Nollywood movie directed by Fate and produced by Lagos.

sobbing

Chapter 2: Keke Drift and Pure Madness

My keke driver wasn’t just driving—he was auditioning for Fast & Furious: Surulere Drift. We swerved, sped, and honked like madmen, chasing the thief as though my phone was a pot of Jollof on fire.

But Lagos traffic had other plans. We screeched to a halt at a roadblock so dramatic it deserved its own reality show:

  • Aunties in gele shutting down the street with moves that could make Beyoncé rethink her choreography.
  • A full wedding band blowing trumpets like they were summoning rain.
  • And a goat tied to a chair, glaring at everyone like it had unpaid debts to settle.

Chapter 3: The Goat Who Understood Lagos

Our thief, thinking he could blend into the crowd, slipped off his bike and tried to disappear into the wedding madness. The keke driver wasn’t having it.

Driver: “THAT GUY CARRY PHONE OOO!”
Aunties: “Ah! Where? WHERE?”

Before I could process what was happening, the goat broke free like it had been waiting for this day its whole life.

Now, if you’ve never seen an angry Nigerian goat in action, let me tell you: they’re not here for games. This goat charged at the thief with the energy of someone who just found out their best friend ate the last piece of meat.

Three things happened in rapid succession:

  1. The thief tripped over a cooler of rice.
  2. My phone flew out of his hand.
  3. The goat stood on his back like it was auditioning for Goat Wars: Lagos Edition.

Chapter 4: Lagos Crowd = Instant Justice

The crowd went wild. Aunties were shouting, “Ah, correct goat! Better animal!” A bouncer from the wedding grabbed the thief like he was handling expired suya. And me? I was too stunned to even blink.

Just as I picked up my phone, the bride stormed out in full wedding regalia, looking like she was ready to throw hands.

Bride: “Wait—na you? My own cousin?!”
Thief: “Aunty, abeg, na joke!”

A joke? Sir, a goat just tackled you, and you think this is a comedy skit?

Chapter 5: The Petty Finale

As if the goat drama wasn’t enough, I opened my phone to check for damage. That’s when I saw it. The thief had somehow opened my Notes app and typed:

“Upgrade your life. Who still uses 3G in 2024? Na Lagos, no dull yourself.”

The audacity. Not only did this guy try to steal my phone, but he also left unsolicited advice like some low-budget motivational speaker.

Chapter 6: The Lagos Aftermath

By the time I arrived at the wedding, I was sweaty, shaken, and the unwilling star of the day’s wildest story. But as I told my tale to the guests, it was like I’d handed out premium entertainment. Even the bride was laughing so hard, she forgot to be mad.

And the goat? It got a plate of party rice and a front-row seat at the reception.

The Moral of the Story

  1. In Lagos, chaos is not just a possibility—it’s a guarantee.
  2. Never underestimate a goat with vibes.
  3. If you’re going to steal, at least have the decency not to insult your victim’s network speed.

For more thrilling near-disaster stories, check out Confessions & Close Calls.”

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