SCENE: Rome, 44 BC. The streets are buzzing. A gladiator influencer just got canceled for faking a lion attack, and senators are throwing subs at each other like it’s their last day on Twitter.

A slow pan over the Roman Senate. Cicero adjusts his toga, cracks his knuckles, and logs in. His fingers hover over the keys—he knows what he’s about to tweet will end careers. The thread begins.

toy story let him cook meme

1. Caesar’s Assassination as a Twitter Space Gone Wrong

📍 LIVE FROM THE SENATE FLOOR

@MarcusBrutus: “We need to talk about leadership in this empire. I’m opening a Space. Join in.”

@JuliusCaesar: “Oh? Let’s discuss.”

@Cassius: “This convo is long overdue.”

@Cicero: “Let’s just say… some ppl need to log out permanently.”

🔴 MarcusBrutus has started a Space: ‘The Future of Rome (No Snakes Allowed)’

5 minutes later

@JuliusCaesar: “Wait, why is everyone holding daggers?”

@Soothsayer: “I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL, BUT DID YOU LISTEN?”

@SenateOfficial: “Uh… so should we announce the obituary or?”

@Shakespeare400yearsfromnow: “This is getting messy.”


2. Gladiator Fights Become Influencer Clout Battles

@MaximusGladius (Official): “10,000 retweets and I’ll fight TWO lions at once. No cap.”

@AverageRomanCitizen: “You won’t do it.”

@MaximusGladius: “Bet. Arena, sunset. Pull up.”

📍 ROME COLOSSEUM LIVESTREAM

[🔴 LIVE] Maximus vs. Two Lions. Click to watch.

30 minutes later

@ArenaOfficial: “Due to unforeseen circumstances (a.k.a. Maximus getting folded in the first round), today’s match has ended prematurely. Refunds in 3-5 business days.”


3. Julius Caesar’s “Soft Launch” of His Dictatorship

@JuliusCaesar: “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I’m about to take full control of it in one. 😌”

@SenateOfficial: “Bro, we thought this was a democracy?”

@JuliusCaesar: “Why stress about voting when you can just have me?”

@MarcusBrutus: “Big yikes.”

@Cassius: “Couldn’t be me.”

@Cicero: “That’s crazy, but you should watch your back, champ.”


4. Cleopatra’s Instagram-Worthy Takeover of Rome

📍 Cleopatra’s Palace, Alexandria

@CleopatraOfficial: “Rome’s cute. Might conquer it. Idk.” 😌

@JuliusCaesar: “👀👀👀”

@CleopatraOfficial: “A little diplomacy never hurt nobody. 💅”

@MarcAntony: “Lemme DM you real quick.”

📍 ONE MONTH LATER

@RomanSenate: “Why is Egypt suddenly in charge of everything?”

@CleopatraOfficial: “Stay mad.”


5. Ancient Roman Cancel Culture

📍 Trending: #CancelNero

@AverageRoman: “Bro literally burned down the city and blamed it on Christians. We’re done.”

@NeroOfficial: “Fake news. Also, new album dropping soon. 🔥”

@Cicero: “I know a tyrant when I see one. This one’s gotta go.”

@SenateOfficial: “We’re actively looking into this. Might have to, um… remove him permanently.”

📍 ONE MONTH LATER

@RomanSenate: “Update: Nero has been… deactivated.”


6. The Grand Finale: Rome Cancels Twitter

📍 ROME, FINAL DAYS

@SenateOfficial: “Maybe social media was a mistake. Ever since this app came, we’ve had betrayals, gladiator beef, and Caesar’s soft launch into dictatorship. We should’ve just stuck to scrolls.”

@MarcusAurelius: “Wise words. Let’s ban Twitter and go touch grass.”

📍 ROME LOGS OFF

[🔴 SYSTEM MESSAGE: “Error 404: The Roman Empire has disconnected.”]

Final Thoughts

If Twitter had existed in Ancient Rome, the empire wouldn’t have lasted half as long. Toxic threads, gladiator influencers, and senators subbing each other? Chaos. But let’s be real—Rome was already dramatic without social media. Maybe that’s why they say history repeats itself.

So next time you’re on Twitter, just remember: If Rome had this app, it would’ve fallen way sooner. And Caesar? He’d be ratioed before he got stabbed.


(Share this with that one friend who would’ve absolutely run a Roman gossip account in 44 BC.)


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