“Mark Zuckerberg, come here! Is this how you run your Facebook? Let me show you what to do!”

Imagine a world where African aunties—those wise, opinionated, ever-in-your-business superheroes—were in charge of Big Tech companies. Forget sleek, soulless Silicon Valley boardrooms. Instead, picture a company culture where proverbs are HR policy, every bug gets fixed with a prayer meeting, and quarterly meetings come with steaming pots of jollof rice (oops, wait—no food wars this time).

Here’s what the tech world might look like if African aunties ran the show:

1. Facebook Becomes “Face Your Book”

The first order of business for Auntie Zuckerberg? Rebranding Facebook. Because, let’s face it, what is anyone doing scrolling all day when they should be studying, working, or “facing their life”?

New Features:

  • Auntie Mode™: Your profile pic now comes with auto-reminders. “Why are you smiling like this? Did you get that job yet?”
  • Notifications Upgrade: Every post comes with a warning: “Remember, your uncle in the village is watching.”
  • Friend Request Limit: No more adding 2,000 strangers. Auntie would say, “Are you running for president? No? Then what are you doing with all these people?”

2. WhatsApp Gets an Overhaul

African aunties own WhatsApp, so naturally, they’d turn it into the ultimate control center.

New Features:

  • Mandatory Good Morning Texts: Every user gets a daily inspirational message with flowers, doves, and Bible verses. Refusal to forward them might result in a suspension.
  • “Seen” Accountability: The days of ignoring messages are over. Auntie would create a feature where you must explain yourself. “Why did you read my message at 7:45 p.m. and not reply? Are your fingers broken?”
  • Extra Privacy Settings: Auntie has an eye for gossip but her last seen? Always hidden. She must be allowed to operate in stealth mode.

3. Amazon: Auntie-Mart Edition

Jeff Bezos would have nothing on an African auntie’s ability to turn Amazon into the ultimate online everything store.

New Rules:

  • No “Buy Now” Button: Instead, Auntie would add a “Call for Discount” feature. Prices are now negotiable, and checkout requires you to haggle like you’re at Balogun Market.
  • Priority Delivery: All orders are shipped in Ghana Must Go bags—because plastic is too weak to handle African durability standards.
  • Auntie-Approved Reviews: Every product gets a personal note. “This blender is good, but if you use it for anything other than pepper, you’re wasting its destiny.”

4. Google Gets Parental Control—Literally

If aunties ran Google, there’d be no hiding from their scrutiny.

Features to Expect:

  • Search History Surveillance: Aunties would use AI to detect “unserious searches.” If you Google “How to get rich quick,” expect an alert: “My friend, better look for a real job.”
  • Auntie Algorithm: Your searches are redirected to practical things like “How to cook ogbono soup” or “Affordable Ankara styles for wedding season.”
  • Auto Adverts: Every search page would show ads for church programs, family meetings, and tailoring services.

5. Zoom: Now with “African Home Energy”

Aunties wouldn’t let Zoom stay bland and boring. Video meetings would get a complete cultural makeover.

Core Updates:

  • “Auntie Filter” for Backgrounds: Automatically places you in a spotless living room with fine china in a glass cabinet, even if you’re sitting on a mattress.
  • Noise Integration: No muting allowed. Auntie wants your coworkers to hear every rooster, car honk, and child screaming in the background—this is real life, after all.
  • Endless Meeting Feature: Forget 30-minute time limits. Meetings now run “until everyone has spoken.” (And you must greet each participant with “Good morning, sir/ma.”)

6. TikTok Becomes “Tic-Tac”—Because, Why Not?

For aunties, TikTok’s dancing and lip-syncing would be too unserious. The platform would pivot to showcasing useful skills.

What’s Trending:

  • Tutorials like “How to tie gele for any occasion” or “10 proverbs to win arguments.”
  • Content creators are ranked not by views but by “home training.”
  • Weekly Challenges: “How fast can you spot disrespect in a conversation?”

7. Microsoft Word: Now with “Auntie Edits”

Word documents under Auntie’s watch would never look the same.

Key Changes:

  • Auto-grammar corrections would underline every “slang word” in red. “Why are you writing ‘LOL’? Does your employer know what that means?”
  • Proverb Plug-in: Whenever you type a complaint, it adds a proverb for context. For example, “You cannot complain about the rain and still want water to drink.”

The Irony of It All

On the surface, this scenario is hilarious—can you imagine an auntie scolding Bill Gates for not getting married early enough? But underneath the humor lies truth: African aunties embody leadership skills Silicon Valley could use—discipline, accountability, and the art of stretching every resource to its maximum potential.

Would an African auntie-led Big Tech world work? Maybe not perfectly—but it would certainly be more colorful, honest, and endlessly entertaining. And let’s face it, isn’t that exactly what the tech industry is missing?

Now, over to you—what do you think an African auntie would rename Twitter?

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Life’s Little Mysteries